Engage, Support, Connect

Engaging, supporting, and connecting involves talking with the people you are concerned about, offering them support, and possibly connecting them with services. You may also decide to consult law enforcement, a local Behavioral Threat Assessment and Management team, or mental health provider. In this section, we are going to talk about how to engage and support someone you are concerned about. Then, we’ll discuss how to refer them to resources where appropriate.  

Engage and Support 

We use the term “engage” to mean having a conversation when you are concerned about someone. We are not asking you to investigate, diagnose, or “fix” the problem. Rather, engaging simply means talking with someone about your concerns in an attempt to better understand what may be going on so that you can help someone connect to services if needed.  

It is important to note that talking directly to the person you are concerned about is not expected. It is okay if you do not want to talk with someone you are concerned about. In such instances, you should reach out either a law enforcement officer, Behavioral Threat Assessment and Management Team, or trained mental health specialist.  

Here are some things to consider when deciding whether or not to engage someone:  

• What is your relationship to the person you are concerned about? Some practitioners may only feel comfortable talking with people they already know. Others may feel uncomfortable regardless of their relationship. Both perspectives are okay. You should only engage someone if you feel comfortable doing so. 
• Would this person be comfortable talking with me? Even if you are willing to have a conversation with someone, they may not want to talk to you. They may feel embarrassed, shy, or unwilling to open up. That is okay. You should not push someone to talk when they are not ready or comfortable. It is also possible that someone who sees you as a trusting resource reaches out to you about someone you do not know. In these situations, it may be unreasonable to expect that the person they are concerned about will want to talk to you. That is okay too. As a gatekeeper, your role does not require you to engage that person.    

You should talk with law enforcement, a Behavioral Threat Assessment and Management Team, or a trained mental health specialist if any of the following apply: 

• You don’t feel comfortable engaging someone. 
• You feel the person you are concerned about would not be willing to talk to you. 
• You’ve tried to talk with them but they are unwilling to talk to you.  

If you decide to engage someone, be sure to consider the time and place to have that conversation. Try to select a location that is safe and also allows you to actively listen and talk. You should also try to set aside enough time so that the conversation does not feel rushed. 

Talking with someone about a concern can be a sensitive issue, both for you and the individual you are concerned about. Effective engagement involves expressing concerns in a non-confrontational and non-judgmental manner, actively listening to their responses, and expressing the appropriate amount of care and support.   

All of us have likely been involved in conversations that were emotional or about sensitive subjects. We’ve all likely had experiences where those conversations did not go well and others where they did. There are many ways to approach conversations that are sensitive. One option is to gently and thoughtfully express your concerns (e.g., what you have noticed) and then ask how the individual is doing.  

Generally speaking, it’s often best to use questions that are: 

• Open-ended (questions that elicit more than a simple yes or no in response) 
• Non-confrontational 
• Non-judgmental 
• Not aggressive or accusative 

It is also important to use “I” statements as much as possible. These are statements that begin with “I” instead of “you.” For example, stating, “I feel like you are more upset lately and I wanted to know how you are doing,” feels less accusatory and judgmental than, “You are angry all the time.”